Ignatius Kettle

Once you are friends

Oh, you are a good onion. Onions are funny, aren't they? The name makes you laugh, and the vegetable makes you cry. But I wouldn't know; onions stopped growing in Quill when I was but knee-high to a goose.

My mother told me all about them. Sour, bitter, many-layered. But enough about my mother.

Dad used to call her the Iron Lady. She was a thatcher by trade. Was very good at roofing and liked to look down on us all.

Once they like you

I like you in a way! You remind me of me when I was younger but different looking. You have strong facial features and very deep eyes.

Your teeth are like stars - they come out at night. Haha! Old jokes are the best.

I once tried my hand as a wandering entertainer. I played the pubs and clubs throughout Quill. But, of course, at every pub, I got clubbed. Sometimes, my jokes were that bad.

It's what drew Holly to me, I am sure. I could make her laugh, especially when I took out my glass eye and played marbles with it. Edna used to scream and hit me with the broom whenever I did that. No sense of fun, you see?

Asking for help

You know how I told you about how I like a laugh and a joke? What would really tickle me pink is to see Edna and that young Edward getting a good old fashioned pranking.

If you can get one of them to dislike you, then I'd be happy as Larry. That was the name of my old comedy partner - Larry Load 'O' Laughs.

He died laughing. Anyhow! To business. The business of pranking!

When it is done

You would make a great stand-up comic because you are a real stand-up person, and you make me laugh to look at you. You did a good thing this day. You are what they used to call a Gillit. It was a type of blade and the best a man could get.