Holly Kettle

Once you are friends

Is it official then? Are we on friendly terms?

I am glad to get to know you. I may be called Holly, but I am not prickly, really.

On the contrary, I consider myself the perfect blonde. Kind, smart, loving, sensual and generous with my time and affections.

You may hear terrible things about me from the Teapott's, but it is not true. I love my little Iggy-wiggy, and I find his diminishing memory and terrible hearing and eyesight extremely handy.

Once they like you

I like you. You remind me of a bowl of honeyed porridge. Sweet, deep and mildly lumpy.

I don't get much affection these days. Iggle-piggle is a kind and funny soul, but he often forgets my name. Luckily he also forgets he already gave me my allowance.

At least he has an allowance to give. Edward was as poor as a peg and as tight as a gnat's nostrils.

I resent seeing him happy with that old crone if I am honest.

Asking for help

You fill up my senses like a night in dark forests. Like the mountains in summertime, like some pork in the rain. Like a storm or some dessert, like a sleepy old potion.

I am feeling very poetic today. Edward once wrote me a poem. It said, 'There was a young woman called Holly, Whose hair was a bit of a folly. Her lips tight and red, like she'd just kissed a peg, And then she married a right wally'.

He thought it was clever and charmingly romantic. I vowed to get him back.

In fact, could you do that? Could you annoy him a bit? Or Edna. I'll love you even more if you do!

When it is done

You managed to annoy Edward for me? You are a darling bud. May I kiss your cheek? That will show them who you really admire. Teapott's thought they had your affections in the bag! Pour me a cup of salted tears!