Edna Teapott

Once you are friends

It's good to make a friend. At my age you need all the friends you can get. Very handy for nipping to the shops for you or helping light the fire. Bending down to poke the logs puts my back out!

Good job I have my lovely Edward. He can do all the handy jobs for me. He's much better than that horrible Holly and that blasted husband of hers.

Once they like you

How are you faring, dearie? I am keeping myself busy, mainly watching those Kettles.

Did you know I used to be married to Ignatius? Then a young couple moved in, Edward and Holly, and let's just say it got a bit messy. First, it was wandering eyes, then hands. Before you knew it, we had swapped partners. Ignatius and Holly can keep each other. He's a sour old goat, and she's a brass-digger.

Asking for help

I'm not very happy, dearie. I keep looking out of my window and seeing them Kettles laughing at us. I think they need putting in their place. I cherish you as our best friend and don't want them stealing you off us across the way. Could you make them dislike you somehow? Put poo in their house, slingshot em; I don't care. You are OUR friend.

When it is done

Wonderful! Oh, that poked them right in the eye. You are a star fallen from Aurore's ears.

Here, take these. I won't be needing them after all.